Six Steps to Deal with Emotions in a Healthy Way

One of the most common things people tend to want to work on in therapy is how to deal with emotions. Maybe it’s a specific worry or anxiety that feels like it consumes them. Or it may be that they are having a difficult time getting a grip on handling anger in a way that isn’t hurtful.

My guess is that you’re here right now because there’s an emotion you’re struggling with. Emotions are really tricky, and I think it’s helpful to know that most of us have a hard time knowing exactly what to do with them. Because of that, I’ve put together some of my most common ways of dealing with emotions that I teach.

Here are the six steps for dealing with emotions, especially when they are difficult or feel unpleasant:

·        Notice What it Feels Like

·        Put a Name to What You’re Feeling

·        Validate It

·        Learn Its Job

·        Thank and Reassure It

·        Know It’s Temporary

Notice What It Feels Like

Every time we feel an emotion, there is a physical feeling that comes with it. It can be difficult to sort this out, especially if you haven’t practiced it before. However, moving our mind to the physical feeling of the emotion can help to understand it better and make it feel more manageable.

For more information on this idea, check out my “Observe: Just Notice” section of Four Coping Skills to Deal with Stressful Situations

Name What You’re Feeling

Naming and identifying the emotion as specifically as possible can help with feeling a stronger sense of power over it. Emotions can feel overwhelming when they aren’t understood. Naming it can help it feel more manageable and be a major step towards knowing what to do with it.

A list of emotions can be helpful when using Naming. There are numerous lists available online, but this wheel by The Gottman Institute is the one that I like to use.

Validate It

For many, validating the emotion can feel really upside down. People tend to ask, “How do I make a feeling go away if I validate it?” or “Won’t I just feel more upset?” But, this isn’t really how emotions tend to work.

To demonstrate, picture yourself calling into a customer service center with a problem. You explain your issue and how you felt about it.

Now, picture them identifying that they understand your frustration. Then, imagine them telling you that you have absolutely no reason to be upset. Which situation are you more likely to feel calmed?

We often look to others to validate how we feel and receiving validation for feelings from others can be extremely helpful. It’s also important to know that this is something we can do for ourselves.

Validating an emotion doesn’t mean we validate any behaviors that come with the emotion. It simply means that what you feel makes sense, even if you don’t know exactly why you feel the way you feel yet.

Learn Its Job

We have emotions for a reason. And this is part of why validating your emotion can be so powerful. Examples of the jobs of different emotions include:

·        Anxiety or fear is often there to protect us, demonstrate importance or help us take action

·        Anger can bring about change or help with setting boundaries

·        Guilt and Sadness can help us course correct harmful situations or behaviors

·        Happiness or Contentment can reinforce what is healthy or help invigorate us

This is one of the biggest reasons that bottling up or stuffing down emotions almost never works in the long run. Our emotions are there to tell us something. Our job is to listen and come up with a plan, even if that plan is to accept something out of our control.

Your emotion may be telling you that what is happening isn’t sustainable. It might be telling you something that is needing healing. It may even be telling you that it’s time for a purposeful change in perspective.

Learning and putting into context the job of the emotion helps with moving into a space where our emotions are useful and help inform us.

An example of this might be, if you are feeling frustrated, you might use that frustration to make a change or approach whatever you are trying to accomplish differently, rather than doing the same thing, hoping for a different result.

Thank and Reassure It

Talking to your emotions sounds unusual to some, but ignoring this skill can be ignoring a very powerful tool for managing them.

This is especially helpful for situations where we have a powerful feeling, but either have no control over the situation surrounding that feeling or have already done everything possible.

An example of this might be, “Thank you, worry, for helping me to see how important this is. I agree and I’m doing everything possible for it right now.”

What is said obviously depends on the situation, but it can be helpful to think of what you might say to someone else, if they were feeling what you were feeling.

Know It’s Temporary

Our brain often takes whatever is happening now, and projects it out into the future. Because of that, it may feel like you will feel a certain way forever.

We can have different feelings that hang around for a long time. But it’s nearly impossible to feel exactly the same way all the time.

Remembering that a feeling is temporary can help with turning towards the feeling, rather than attempting to push it away.

Therapy May Help

Hopefully these steps are a helpful lens for dealing with emotions in a way that feels useful and manageable.

However, there may be situations where this kind of list isn’t sufficient. And that’s okay. If you’re needing more help or unsure of what it looks like to use these in your situation, please reach out to see if therapy might be right for you.